Medication, Mesas, and Running

I have been a little stressed and out of focus lately. It has taken it's toll. I put a little of the weight back on, and my wheels have been spinning on the dreaded mesa. Family health issues, money difficulties, new job, my own health issues that nearly landed me in the hospital...the excuses are endless. It is part of life. You fall down, you get back up. I had a doctor's appointment and was expecting the worst. I saw my lab results before I went to the appointment, I knew Dr. Ezzell was going to be disappointed. My cholesterol was out of whack again. My A1C was up. He walked into the room and asked me what was going on.  I told him about everything and said, "I'm just needing to get back in focus." Then he surprised me. He looked me in the eye and said "Yes, your A1C is up a little, but if you are going to refocus (I know how you are when you are focused), I am comfortable with pulling you off your metformin." My heart stopped. This is what I have been working so hard for. Yes, I have a weight loss goal. Yes, I want to be thinner. But THIS...THIS is my big goal. Get healthy enough to be off medications. I wanted to dance!!!! I am officially off all diabetic medication. My A1C level puts me as "pre-diabetic". I know when I focus, I can bring it down even further. 

As far as the mesa goes, as I said, I have gained some of the weight back (5-15 lbs fluctuation). Luke recently got in my face about my diet, and unlike some, did it in a way that didn't make me want to rip his face off. After a week long diet challenge he put me on, I lost 9 lbs. At my lowest point, I was 173. I will not declare the mesa broken til I'm down to 170, but I'm hopeful.

Running (sigh), the bane of my existence. I have conquered bouncing, well kind of, I do it when I have to. Now the guys at the gym are conspiring to make me run. What they don't understand is that running to me messes with my head. Growing up, I was terribly bullied in school. Not your average everyday kinda bullying either. People sought me out to make my life hell. Honestly, I have gotten past it, but from time to time, the scars left behind pull and ache. I tell you this, not because I dwell on it, because I don't. I tell you this so that you may understand the why of what I am about to share. I always struggled with my weight. Looking back at pictures, I don't think I was really that big, but I was made to feel like I was HUGE. It is amazing the damage body image can do to a person. I was also the slowest in my class, which meant I was forever "it" in tag, I was always the last picked, and when we ran, the entire class would lap me. These things were repeatedly used by my peers to beat me down. Sadly, I find that now, when I run, some of that old self talk comes back. As I am being lapped and ultimately left to run by myself, I can't help but think, "What are you doing? You don't belong with them. You can't keep up. They are going to get tired of always having to wait on you." Know that these thought come strictly from my own head. The guys have NEVER made me feel this way. In fact, they have instinctively done things to counter these very thoughts. As I said, these are old, deep wounds. There has been healing. Scar tissue has covered them over. But I believe what is happening is that God has decided it is time to do a more complete healing. Time to cut away the scar tissue to restore my full range of motion. It is a good thing, but sometimes the process is painful. I trust the people He has put in my life for this time. I just don't know if they understand the battle I am facing.